Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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