waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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