8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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