its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
