last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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