Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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