My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
