Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
