we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
How does one acquire holy water?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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