u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You are the jesus of drinking
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
