Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize