Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
