and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can't turn off my feet"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
