Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
