well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
