just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
