you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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