this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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