Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
