Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
