I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
