Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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