The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
