girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
