well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
