Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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