Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
