So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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