so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
