i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
