The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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