somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize