i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Can I color on your dick again?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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