Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
