i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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