My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
