My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
