i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
