it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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