when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
