My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
