if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
