Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
