hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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