We named our party play list daddy issues
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
