you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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