Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
