3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
