the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
