My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
