glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize