Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
