Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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