She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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