im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
