what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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