Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize
