Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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