She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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