I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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