Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
