I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
