i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize