I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
