I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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