The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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