My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
