i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
