Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
