On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
