Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
